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Each year around the time of
Remembrance Day in November we hold special services in churches for those
who have been bereaved. Coping with Bereavement ‘The Cost of
Loving and Losing’ Loss is a part of the cost of living
and loving, indeed of simply being alive and giving of ourselves to others.
It has been said that only the unloving and the unloved escape from the pain
of grief. The opposite side of this is that the more deeply we love the more
severe also can be the pain of loss. It is helpful to know a little of the
process of healing which we go through. This will reassure us that the
intense grief which we feel at first is natural and not a sign that we are
falling apart or going mad. Of course much of what is said is helpful not
only for those suffering bereavement but any kind of loss. This may include
divorce or estrangement from those we love. What is grief ? We could mention three aspects of
life which are affected by grief1. Our relationships with other
people We are all affected when somebody else suffers, a grieving
person affects those around and some people feel embarrassed. To reduce the
discomfort, other people may avoid us or try to reduce contact as much as
possible. This is sometimes done for sincere and kind motives even if it is
very unhelpful! Folk may cross the road when they see somebody coming who has
been through bereavement, so that they do not have to talk about it. When
they do meet, the subjects spoken of may include anything but the
bereavement, because they think that you would not want to mention it and it
would cause upset. Some people speak of feeling a sense of isolation and
loneliness. Grief overshadows all normal relationships as we adjust to the
change in condition, being a single parent, widow(er), (divorced).
To an extent we become different people. 2. Our bodies Our bodies react to bereavement in many ways. Headaches, stomach
pains, back pains, arthritis, or many other complaints can suddenly become
apparent and make us feel as though we are falling apart. Some people speak
of intense tiredness and exhaustion. All of our reserves of energy can be
used up simply in order to cope. This is a natural reaction to loss. The body
passes through a crucial stage in the first 6-9 months and some folk can die
of a broken heart if they 'bottle up' their feelings and are unable to
express and come to terms with their grief openly. It is important to look
after ourselves, to eat and sleep properly. There is nothing wrong with
spoiling ourselves a little either. 3. Our feelings and state of
mind There are emotional stages through
which most people pass. These stages are not neat and tidy and one may feel
several of them going on at once. We are all different people and so we all
have unique feelings. It is possible to swing from one stage to another, or
indeed hardly experience one stage at all. This does not mean that the grief
of one person is deeper than another, simply that we have different ways of
experiencing and coping with loss. We will now look at what these stages are. Stages of Grief It is worth understanding the stages
of grief. This should not mean that we treat grief lightly, as if it were
just a phase that somebody was going through. . We are all different and can
experience different things at different times. Progress is not automatic and
somebody may still be grieving deeply after 20 years if they have not been
helped through the process of bereavement. We never 'recover' from
bereavement, and yet there should come a time when we are able to learn to
live with our loss. If you have felt the pain of bereavement then eventually
you may be able to help somebody who is going through the same pain. Often
what we need most is simply somebody to listen and love. Stage 1 Denial and Shock The bereaved person is often in a state of shock and unable to accept
what has happened, everything seems so unreal. This is a necessary defence
mechanism. Think of how, when we receive a hard blow to the head, we become
unconscious. It is the natural way that our body shuts down to protect
itself. Bereaved people often refer to somebody who has died in the present
tense as though they are still alive. A common remark may be; 'It's not
really sunk in. I can't believe it. I think he’s going to walk in the door as
usual. Maybe after the funeral it will seem as though it has really
happened'. We may feel tightness in the throat or emptiness in the stomach.
There may be tiredness or inability to breathe. When we are with people in this
stage of grief there is no need to say something clever; it is enough simply
to be there. The bereaved person may simply want to talk about the one who
has died, to reminisce. They need to know that it is alright to be upset and
express their grief. Some other faiths and cultures are much better at this
than 'Christian England'. One day reality hits home and, despite the pain
which it brings, this is progress. Stage 2 Anger The question which may overshadow everything is 'Why me'? Expressions
come such as, "It makes you wonder sometimes, she was so young and never
did anybody any harm. Then you see all those rapists and murderers and
nothing happens to them. I can never believe in God when he lets that sort of
thing happen.". There may be anger at God for
having allowed this to happen. There may be anger at the doctors or the
hospital, indeed anybody who can act as a scapegoat. This is natural outrage.
There is no need for anybody to try to make excuses or give rational
explanations or theological argument. Neither is there any reason for those
who are upset to feel guilty about their anger! This is a natural part of the
grief process. All that is required is assurance and the understanding that
grief brings a genuine burden which can be very painful. It may be that the
person we are most angry with is ourselves, as we think of things in the
past, missed opportunities, or things we wished had never happened. Stage 3 Bargaining Sometimes people will try to look for a way out of the situation. 'I
cried all last night and prayed that God would take me too' There can be a
movement between fantasy and guilt, 'I think that he may come back'. Some
people are sure that they have seen their loved one on a bus or in a crowd;
even that they have seen a ghost. Others never touch a room or refuse to
throw anything out, in the hope that somehow they may be able to preserve
things the way that they once were. Stage 4 Depression There can be a deep sense of regret over lost opportunities in life,
or there could also be a sense of guilt, 'perhaps if we had tried a different
doctor' Guilt in many different varieties is a normal part of grief and can
cause depression. It may be that it makes us feel that we do not want to go
on. It is important to realize that this is something we all feel and
sometimes for a considerable time. It is important to find people to talk to;
grief needs an outlet and we must be able to cry and express our emotion. Of
course we also need to be reminded that we can talk to God. Stage 5 Acceptance/learning to live
again The time comes when we are able to
'let go' of our loved one, leave them in peace and to experience new life
again. It is the time when memories can be treasured without a terrible sense
of pain. Of course this may be a long time away. Learning to live again means
adjusting to being a different person in one sense. Losing somebody is like
having a part of oneself cut off. It takes time to reaffirm life and invest
in new relationships and responsibilities. It is like learning to live all over
again. |
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Last
reviewed 29th November 2009 |
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